Victor Lewis-Smith Spoofs That's Life

It might be several years old, but this is one of the most rewarding spoofs I have ever had the pleasure to hear....

Victor Lewis-Smith confounds the nice but dim Adrian Mills from the That's Life team.

You only have to select the ♫ on the player above.

Enjoy!

The Parable Of Dave The Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did), and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

Giving her a kiss on the cheek, he then fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing, white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered: "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned: "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be! I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, and Dave found himself covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking at the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad", replies Dave. "But I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm about to explode?"

"You're ovulating", explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax, and let it happen", advised the rooster.

So he did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. Dave felt an immense feeling of relief sweep over him, and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When Dave laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him.... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed...."

How A SlenderTone Vibrating Belt Changed My Life

More inspired lunacy from the archives of the comic genius that is Harry Hutton;


"I recently bought a SlenderTone System Abs Belt.

Three months ago, I was a fat cunt. Now I'm a fat cunt with a vibrating belt..."

Speedcat Hollydale - The World's Second Nicest Blogger

Speedcat Hollydale - whether you love him, or hate him (and personally, I hate him*) - has set a new world record in the blogosphere, by simultaneously awarding "Blogging That Hits The Mark" status to no less than 1094 fellow bloggers.

Naturally, EQG is proud to be a recipient of this illustrious award, and wishes to convey his gratitude to Speedcat.

Moreover, I would like to thank Speedy for something else of great importance; reminding me that no matter how nutty I think I might be going, there is, out there, someone even crazier than myself.

"Thanks, Speedcat.

*And only joking".

You got to love a man like that.

The Funniest Joke In The World - Redux

Back in the summer, I posted here what I consider to be the funniest joke in the world.

At the time, I tweaked the HTML settings so that the post font appeared so tiny as to be unreadable.

The only practical way to read it was to copy and paste the text into an editor, and expand the font to taste; I did this to protect the sensibilities of ladies, children, David Duff, and anyone else who might have an axe to grind.

Following a comment from dumkopf** that he was unable to copy and paste the text successfully, and refusing now to defer to all those precious types likely to complain, I reproduce below the world's funniest joke, but this time so that no one reading this page should miss it.

**Actually, the comment from dumkopf is a figleaf. The real reason behind my reposting this is that Beenzzz likes a man who talks / writes dirty. Allegedly.


With thanks to Peter Cook:


There are two guys talking. The first one says:

“You know, the day I met you, I thought you were a cunt. And every time we’ve met since I thought you were a cunt. And it can’t just be me, because everyone who’s ever met you thinks you are a cunt, and probably everyone who will ever meet you will think you’re a cunt. In fact, you’ve got to be the second-biggest cunt in the world.”

The second guy thinks about this for a while.

“So... the day you met me you thought I was a cunt?”
“Yep.”
“And every day since you’ve thought I was a . . .”
“Right.”
“And everyone I’ve ever met thinks I’m a . . .”
“You got it.”
“And everyone I will ever meet will think I’m a . . .”
“Uh-huh.”
“So how comes”, he says, triumphantly, “I’m only the second biggest cunt in the world?”

The first guy looks at him with total contempt. "Because you’re a cunt”, he says.

EQG's "Exasperatingly Difficult To Solve Odd One Out Quiz"™

Updated!

In a change of format, this Friday's "Cunt of the Week" competition has been replaced by Elmer Quigley Gooseburger's "Exasperatingly Difficult To Solve, Odd One Out Quiz"™.

All you have to do to win is to correctly determine from the list of suspects adversaries shown, who you believe is the odd one out, and why!

The options are:

Dr Crippen (H H); Mr Christ (Jesus H); Mr Branson (R); Dr Dolittle (J); Felinus Pinkus; Dr Shipman (H); Dr McCann (G); Mr "What's up Doc?" Bunny (B); Dr Bellamy (D); Dr McCann (K); Mr Bushell (G); Dr Mengele (J); Dr Spock (B) and Mr Hitler (A).

Answers on a postcard to:


Clarence Mitchell
Freemasons Arms
Bohemian Grove
Rothermere


Alternatively, you can dial 0906 GOOSEBURGER* where you can leave your answer following a brief 20 minute recording detailing the rules.

Finally, you can post your answers in the comments box below.


The first correct winner drawn from all entries will win a second-hand Renault Megane**, complete with bugging devices, and featuring its very own novelty nodding Cadaver Dog!

Good luck! The correct answer, and the name of the winner will be posted Saturday 6th October.

* Calls charged at £94.00 per minute, no refunds.
** Of course, it might be a jeep.Or a Micra...whatever.



Update: The answer to Elmer Quigley Gooseburger's "Exasperatingly Difficult To Solve, Odd One Out Quiz"™ is published below.

You sure are going to kick yourselves!


The answer is: Dr McCann (G) - all of the others have a moustache. Sorry, no prizes awarded this time...

EQG's "Scottish Cultural Awareness Theme"™ (S.C.A.T.) Page

By way of a tribute to the Flying Rodent I am giving over an entire page of this blog to celebrate all the great things to have come out of Scotland.

Er....





Hmmm....





Will this do?


Coming next week: Golden memories of watersports in Wales.

Prince Harry Dead? Dead Drunk, More Likely...

More non-news from the BBC, who report today that some non-entity, trying to make a name for himself as an "artist", intends to exhibit a sculpture of a "Dead Prince Harry" at the Trafalgar Hotel in central London.

"Artist" Daniel Edwards said:

"Prince Harry's spirit must have died the day they told him he couldn't serve. That's what this memorial is about."


What a bunch of crap.


This insult to our fine young King-in-waiting has nothing to do with Prince Harry's spirit "dying" when he learned that he would not be sent into a warzone; it is simply self-serving publicity on the part of some jumped up Damien Hirst / Tracey Emin wannabee.

In any event, young Harry's spirit did anything but die at the news that he would not be going to Iraq; below is a photograph of the young pup with his older brother on learning the news....



















Update: The Postman has a far more in-depth, and interesting take on this....

Cunt Of The Week

This might be the very topic that the phrase "spoilt for choice" was made for.

This is a new feature to the blog, but one which will appear very, very regularly. Weekly, even.

While Blair achieved only one thing - the taking of cuntiness to new heights - his resignation - and consequent absence from TV, radio, newspapers etc - regrettably, disqualify him from this week's competition.

Please be assured, however, that if he does manage to do anything of note now he is out of office, and we are again treated to his obnoxious grin, or his simpering, "fuck you" tones on the telly or radio, he will be the cuntidate of choice.

Until then, this week's cuntenders are:

1) The Police Chief (s?) defending the indefensible;
2) The fucking cowardly and inept PCSOs defended by the above cunt(s)
3) Gerry Fucking McCann
4) Clarence "the cunt" Mitchell
5) Richard Branson


Regrettably, neither David Duff nor Iain Dale are eligible for entry into The Cunt Of The Week competition; Duff, because he is not a cunt (he is, in fact, a nice guy) - and Dale, who is also not a cunt (but only because he is a prick).


And this week's winner is.....

Yes, in the face of strong competition - entrants including one or more British "Police" Community Support Officers who declined to jump into a pond to save a drowning child, because, wait for it, they were not "properly trained" ....the winner is....."


It' s a three-way tie!

Gerry McCann, Clarence Mitchell and Richard Branson are ALL cunts of the week (and every fucking week).

Cunts.

Next week: Cunts of the week; mixed doubles: can Kate and Gerry pull through?

Demise Of Colin McRae?

Colin McRae

Reports filter in that a helicopter, registered to Colin McRae, has crashed and burned in Strathclyde, Scotland this evening.

Rumours that McMcrae perished in the accident are currently not confirmed, though a member of Strathclyde Ambulance Service at the scene is quoted as saying that one of the casualties plucked unconscious from the wreckage of the helicopter "rallied and then died".

Awaiting updates....

Talent Spot

Both a brief illustration, and a reminder, of how today's "comedians" are not a patch on those of yesteryear.

This clip, from the 1939 movie The Flying Deuces, despite being of less than 2 minutes duration, hints nicely at the versatility of both Messrs. Laurel and Hardy.

While Ollie delights with his singing talent, it is not the moon, but Stan who really shines here.

His dancing is simply sublime (dahling!), particularly so the seamless step segue at 1.22 (or 32 secs as the YouTube clock runs in reverse...)

The film is in the public domain and can be streamed or downloaded both for free and legally(!) from here.

Run, Rabbits, Run...

With apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary...

There's so many times we've let you down
So many times we've played around
We tell you now, they never meant a thing
We're leaving, on a jet plane
Fuck you, we won't be back again...

The Weekly Wizard - The Cardiologist And The Testicles

In homage to a Light in the Darkness, and The Daily Merlin:


Transcript
Weekly Wizard Insight (using the Creche of the Warner Tarot)
1st September 2007
14:33pm - 14:34pm
UK


'Wild guesswork and speculation around Kate & Gerry McCann using the significators The Cardiologist & The Testicles' ...

Almost incredibly unbelievably, the Ice Maiden and the 5 of Testicles have appeared in association with these significators. The Sol and The Fool have been closely associated with numerous insights over the previous months.

Another very, very inconceivably uncanny occurrence is the complete absence of any discernable number sequence from left to right, beginning with the Ice Maiden on the left and terminating with the furry accessory.

I have gleaned from this remarkable sequence that somewhere in this situation, a mystery of sorts remains unresolved....if I can only intuit what the mystery is, then I should have some realistic chance of solving it...

Something, or more likely, somebody has most definetely been out of order. Indeed the 14 of Vinos reversed indicates dulled senses as all of the bottles have been emptied...

The only other reversed card in the sequence is "The Cardiologist"; this suggests strongly to me that there is some connection between the empty wine vessels and the cardiologist, but I am getting no further insights now as to what this might mean...

What might be the significance of "The Patsy" here ... I have used the runes in collaboration with this reading, and the letters "RM" came through to me... though I am reluctant to pursue this aspect now as I am unable yet to fathom the significance of these letters...

Note the absence within this reading, of the card "The Nine of Tapas"; where this card has previously featured regularly in my readings, it is, on this occasion, absent...this suggests to me that the number 9 may, or may not be significant to events.

The presence in this reading of the "Furry Accessory" in conjunction with the "Five of Testicles" suggests that there is some relationship between the accessory and many testicles, though again I presently glimpse only shadows through the mist: I will however, divulge more in relation to this once sufficient light falls on the shadows.

Much on which to muse upon....

The almost absurdly inconceivably unbelievable conjunction of "The Cardiologist", The "Ice Maiden", the "Furry Accessory" and the "Testicles" leads me to believe that someone, somewhere, is suppressing the truth, though I suspect that the full significance of this may not come to light for some not inconsiderable period of time yet.

Below the middle line of 4 cards is the representation of the opposition to Gerry & Kate shown by "The Sol" and "The Fool".

The very presence of "The Fool" suggests to me that someone, somewhere is withholding information from the enquiry.... though I cannot now glean who that person, or those people might be...

Conversely, "The Sol" - which is in opposition to "The Fool" - may yet prove to be a credible source of information and valuable to the enquiry.


Next week: Beating alcoholism, with Paul Gascoigne.

Gooseburger Is Innocent

The BBC today report that many blogs have been subjected to malicious hacker activity:


"Google's Blogger site is being used by malicious hackers who are posting fake entries to some blogs.

The fake entries contain weblinks that lead to booby-trapped downloads that could....."


I am deeply relieved to have read that report, as it probably accounts for how this piece of mischievous nonsense recently appeared on the blog when I was out, er, mowing the lawn the other night.

(whistles, nervously)

Better Than Crazy Frog?

This will make people sit up on the train.

Undoubtedly cuter, and it does feature a rather catchy tune, but highly unsuitable for children, ladies and disgusted of Tunbridge Wells....

A Disgraceful Slur On A Minority

Mike Mendoza - Bigot


The talkSport radio phone-in host Mike Mendoza has been suspended for 7 days following an investigation by the regulatory body OFCOM, about a remark that he made on air in the context of David Beckham's appeal for information on abducted missing Madeleine McCann.

Introducing his phone-in programme on the day David Beckham appealed for Madeleine's safe return, the DJ said:

"The other thing that has really got up my nose over the last couple of days... are the footballers... and I'm including David Beckham on this one.....to beg whoever has grabbed her, to give her back.

"Now you tell me, paedophiles in general are the type of people that surely would not follow football... not many gay people to the best of my knowledge are great football fans."


In making this statement, Mendoza infers that paedophiles - presumably unlike "ordinary people" - will not only be uninterested in football, but also gay?

This is nothing short of shocking; Mendoza exhibits not only a profound ignorance, but exposes himself as the bigoted, intellectual dwarf that he is.

How dare Mendoza infer that footballers confine their anti-social and criminal conduct while off the pitch only to rape and thuggery?

British soccer - from its grass-roots, all the way to the pinnacle of the Premiership, has both a long and inglorious association with kiddy-fiddling.

While OFCOM released a long-winded press statement both criticizing Mendoza and upholding the numerous single complainants received by them, an anonymous source at the Paedophile Information Exchange was no less circumspect in slating the hapless radio host.

The spokesman said:

"The stigma attached to being called a nonce is bad enough, but for this four-eyed beardie-weirdo to start calling us poofs into the bargain, is a fucking disgrace.

It is not PIE's intention to dignify Mendoza's outrageous slur with any further comment."

The Funniest Joke In The World?

Possibly.

Courtesy of Peter Cook, I present below, what many connoisseurs (well, me, anyway) consider to be the funniest joke in the world.

Aware of the sensibilities of many women (and men), children, politicians, vicars, Popes (get on with it) the joke in all its glory has been made barely visible to the naked eye.

This is due to the gratuitously offensive nature of the language used.

The only way around this - short of buying a 104" monitor from Dell - is to copy and paste the text into a text editor, and modifying to taste.

You have, however, been warned...


There are two guys talking. The first one says:
“You know, the day I met you, I thought you were a cunt. And every time we’ve met since I thought you were a cunt. And it can’t just be me, because everyone who’s ever met you thinks you are a cunt, and probably everyone who will ever meet you will think you’re a cunt. In fact, you’ve got to be the second-biggest cunt in the world.”
The second guy thinks about this for a while.
“So... the day you met me you thought I was a cunt?”
“Yep.”
“And every day since you’ve thought I was a . . .”
“Right.”
“And everyone I’ve ever met thinks I’m a . . .”
“You got it.”
“And everyone I will ever meet will think I’m a . . .”
“Uh-huh.”
“So how comes”, he says, triumphantly, “I’m only the second biggest cunt in the world?”
“The first guy looks at him with total contempt. "Because you’re a cunt”, he says.

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In another's being mingle -
Why not I with thine?

See, the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower could be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;-
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

Shelley

This post features a completely piss-poor joke which is unlikely to be understood by Americans at all, nor by Brits under the age of 35...

The Worst That Could Happen?

This is the most gloriously offensive, and funny post I have seen on any blog, ever.

Definetely not recommended to those of a highly strung nature.

You have been warned.

Probably The Worst Journalist In The World....

Miss Anna Smith



Meet Anna Smith, intrepid reporter for The Sunday Mirror, and, according to popular rumour, one-time runner up in the King George VI sweepstakes at Ascot.

Miss Smith, in the face of stiff competition from the lite the trite, and the downright shite has published on the Sunday Mirror website, possibly the single most partisan and vomit inducing "news" item yet on those "poor McCann parents".

The brave and the foolhardy can see the item in full here: for those with a weaker constitution, I am presenting the lowlights only (oh that there was but a single redeeming highlight...)


Say a Praia for Maddy

FROM the moment Madeleine went missing, you got the impression the Portuguese police couldn't find their backsides in the dark.

Just look at that little police chief in the cheap suit who popped up at the first shambolic press conference. You just knew they were so far out of their depth it made your heart sink.


WTF, you arrant snobbish mare? That little police chief? You nail your flag to the mast from the outset, with your distaste for "little" people. As for your gibe regarding his "cheap" suit, I would lay my shirt it was ten times the price of your wig, you hideous fucking shemale.


Clueless. Completely clueless. From the time it took them to bring in sniffer dogs and block roads, right up to a few days ago, when suddenly blood was found on the apartment where the little girl was abducted as she slept.

It was nearly 100 days into the investigation, for God's sake. How come forensics or anyone else searching the apartment never found blood before?


Possibly because the blood in the apartment was not even present during the initial search? Perhaps the PJ did find it earlier, but chose not to divulge the information at the time? Who knows? I certainly don't and nor do you, you sour-faced witch. You seem to be great at posing impertinent fucking questions - that is of course the easy bit. Why do you not instead justify your no doubt bloated fees and expenses, and provide some answers instead?


It's bad enough that they don't know what they're doing. But what really sickens me is the way the police, the Portuguese press and others have turned on poor Gerry and Kate McCann.


"Poor Gerry and Kate McCann".... oh Christ on a bike, here we go....


It's disgusting. And from a country that has children and the family at the core of its society, it's even worse.


Such a shame then that the two good Doctors (who, by no stretch of the imagination, could ever be perceived as "little" people) considered having their own children at the core of their family. Let us though, overlook that "mistake".


I cannot imagine what every gut-wrenching day must feel like for the McCanns without Madeleine. Their last thought at night but must be about her and their first, as they open their eyes in the morning.

And yet we still have these Portuguese newspapers being drip-fed by police insiders trying to point the finger. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming the Portuguese police for not finding Madeleine.


Upset or jealous are you, Mr Miss Smith, that the Portuguese police are no longer offering tid-bits to the UK press?

And how thoroughly fucking gracious, not to say patronising of you, to not blame those little people in the Portuguese police, for not finding Madeleine.


But their turning on the McCanns stinks. It's all about the main agenda - the tourist trade.


No, no, no. It's about securing - against the odds - the safe return of a small girl, and the necessity of asking tough questions of all of those in the resort on the night she was abducted disappeared.

That includes asking tough questions of the McCanns. They may not be among those you perceive and label as "little" people; but both they and their dodgy friends who have reportedly formed some pact of silence, should have been (and, I suspect, were), the first port of call for the investigation, and never some "last-resort" line of enquiry.


This kidnapping has gone global, and they, and Portugal, are in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.


Pray, what kidnapping is this you refer to? There is zero evidence to support any allegation of abduction or kidnapping, with the exception of the statements provided by Mr and Mrs McCann.

I'll write that again. There is zero evidence to support any allegation of abduction or kidnapping. Full stop.


At the end of the day, nothing is more important than money.


May I stop you there? Did you read that on the back of a matchbox, or is the phrase "At the end of the day, nothing is more important than money" merely an example of your creative writing skills?**


I was talking to a wealthy Irish golfer the other day, who has a house in Praia de Luz. When he mentioned it was in the place Madeleine went missing, I expected him to be sympathetic to the family. But you know what he said? It's ruining the whole place for everyone.


Hmmmm. I rather think he could be right, Miss Smith...


It used to be a great place out there with the golf, he lamented, but now the missing girl is all everyone talks about. Unbelievable. But, sadly, that mindset is out there. And not just among people like him. I would bet the cops and the authorities will be glad to see the back of the McCanns.


Of course both the Portuguese police and the authorities there will be glad to see them leave the country, you dozy bint.

Ask not what Portugal have ever done for them (which is in fact, rather a lot), but what the fuck have these two whining feckless fools done for Portugal? Exactly nothing. Notwithstanding that, Miss Smith, there is a growing belief that the McCanns will not be leaving Portugal any time soon, anyway. Watch this space.


In fact they can't even wait until the heartbroken couple find the strength to go home without their precious little girl.


Jesus. They have found the strength between them to go to the USA, Morocco, Holland, Italy....


They know their insidious little leaked stories to the press will drive those poor parents out.


That word "little" again. And insidious? Christ, Smith, as a reporter (I believe you are a reporter, though there is a growing amount of evidence to suggest otherwise?) -
what makes a leak insidious? One man's insidious leak is another man's freedom of information. (Though I will acknowledge that you are not a man. Allegedly).



The article totters on for several more chapters in the same vacuous, bleeding-heart fashion. I would urge no one to read it in full, at all, ever.


**Yes, Miss Smith is not only an award winning reporter, but also an acclaimed novelist. I read it on the internet, so it must be true...her latest novel "The Homecoming" is available new here, priced at one penny.

Which is, frankly, still worth more than the piss-poor propoganda you provide in your role as a "reporter", Smith.