Funniest Joke Of The Week

Was made as an indirect consequence of what was possibly the least funny joke of last week, when, the comedic non-entity that is Harry Enfield made some wisecrack about encouraging his slave to "mount" a Filipino maid.

Had the maid in question been wearing a burka - or sporting dreadlocks - any "outcry" would have been all too predictable. Against the odds, it seems even the Firipinos are now all too ready to take offence at bugger all.

Not only has an online petition - protesting at the "disgraceful, gutter humour" - been established by something calling itself the "Philippine Foundation" - but back in the Filipinoland, their Foreign Secretary, one Alberto Romulo, has called in the British Ambassador, Peter Beckingham, no less, to "discuss" the broadcast.

Beckingham is quoted by the BBC as advising the Filipino Foreign Secretary that the BBC had

"editorial independence... the views expressed and portrayed by the network were "completely independent" from the government"...

Hahahahaha! A real off-the cuff classic!

Footnote: (should any po-faced Filipinos stop by this sorry excuse for a blog....)

A teenage girl (Bisaya of course) is walking down the road and meets an Amerikano.

Amerikano: Hi, young lady!

Girl: Hayang? OK.

Amerikano: Wha' happened?

Girl: Aa, wai hapin-hapin!

Now go stick that in your fucking petition, you humourless, slitty eyed fucks.

Update! It would seem that even that journalistic collossus, wannabe child-molester and self-acclaimed bien-pensant Mike Hitchen has a (cut 'n paste) take on matters Filipino....

What A Load Of Bollocks

By way of what is quite possibly the single most mind-numbingly tedious document it has ever been my displeasure to peruse, some London based Market Research Organization reports that public confidence in our Government's ability to successfully execute the Olympic ideal in 2012 is somewhat less than total....

The BBC distil and report on elements of the document under the banner headline

Public 'fearing Olympics failure'.

"Nearly nine out of 10 Britons do not think the government is capable of managing the 2012 Olympics"

Only 9 out of 10? And does it really take 48 pages of meaningless figures and faff to suggest that the 2012 Games are destined to be nothing but an utter fucking shambles? (How much did Opinium charge for this horse-shit? And - more pertinently - who paid for it?)

Mark Hodson, head of research at Opinium, is quoted by the BBC as saying:

"Nearly a third of Brits still think that the Games will not provide any long-term benefits to the UK".

Hodson's statement implies that some two-thirds or more of Briton's do believe that there will be some long term benefit. Just who the fuck are these people?

Predictably, a Government 'Droid Department for Culture, Media and Sport spokesman is also quoted in the BBC report, saying:

"We have in place the experience and expertise... to deliver a fantastic Games and long term legacy that will benefit millions of people for decades to come."

Correction: this government have the experience and expertise to lie and cheat, line their own pockets, bully the populace and.... that is about it. And as far as that legacy and those benefits as espoused by the 'Droid go, I rather suspect that the Government has already started as it means to go on...

Bastards, one and all.

To All Of The Moaning Bastards Out There

The ones who have been e-mailing me, whining because I haven't been blogging of late.

You know who you are. More pertinently, so do I.

Anyway, here is a post - just for you.


A European Court of Justice (ha!) ruling has determined that the UK Treasury should refund something in the order of £3,500,000 to Marks and Spencer because said Treasury have for some years wrongly defined a teacake as a biscuit. Or it might be the other way round.





Either way, the judgment is that the VAT collected since 1994 on the sale of these difficult to identify biscuits teacakes - revenue which was then forfeited by Marks and Spencer to the UK Treasury - is to be refunded.

Or is it?

A Revenue and Customs spokesperson said:

"This is a very complex judgment on which it would be premature to make any comment until the House of Lords has handed down its judgment,"


Wriggling bastards. My own accounts are disorganized complex but that doesn't stop the VAT Nazis from poking their noses in whenever it suits them.

And the point is?

Well, you might think that this posting is intellectually lite. Or trite. Shite, even. At least though, it has cost you, the British tax-payer nothing.

Question arises to me: how much do we - the tax-paying victims - pay through those taxes to fund the existence of cunts who contribute nothing more to our way of life than deciding that the sale of a Gingerbread Man with chocolate coating will attract VAT unless the chocolate used "amounts to no more than a couple of dots for the eyes"?

Utterly useless, sponging bell-ends with non-jobs.

Anyway, there's your post. Now fuck off and leave me alone. I'm off to have a good scratch now, and may post something with a little more meaning later. Or not.

Cunt Of The Month

While this page would normally at this time feature a "Cunt Of The Week" post, the breathtaking arrogance and stupidity of one very special man has forced a rethink here at Gooseburger Towers, and some new accolade is required.

Yes, Tony Parsons, alleged journalist and failed novelist has outcunted all of the competition to such a dizzying degree, that there is no realistic chance of him being overhauled any time soon, hence his being crowned EQG's Cunt Of The Month.

In fewer than three-hundred words, Parsons exhibits the most appalling ignorance and xenephobia toward Britain's oldest allies: he attacks the integrity and professionalism of the Portuguese Ambassador, the Portuguese Police and the Portuguese Media, and he even takes to task the Portuguese Public, referring to them as "leering bumpkins".

His finishing touch is to advise the Portuguese Ambassador to Britain, Senor Antonio Santana Carlos thus:

"if you can't say something constructive.... then you just keep your stupid, sardine-munching mouth shut."

Three Four things immediately occur:

1) Shut up, Parsons, you utter cunt.
2) You got something against fish, Parsons? Might explain why your ex-wife prefers women you putrid little sausage-jockey.
3) The Press Complaints Commission will be interested in Parson's views on the Portuguese; he has blatantly contravened sections 12(i) and (ii) of the PCC's Code of Practise; please feel free to vent your feelings about this article and register a formal complaint.
4) I am so ultra-pissed at this cunt, I can feel a whole new blog coming on....

Leicester Mercury And The Suppression Of Free Speech

Peering into The Mirror this afternoon (as one does) and I see a number of comments alleging that The Whining Midget™ and Skeletor's™ local rag, the Leicester Mercury are up to their old tricks of burning the books, 21st Century style; deleting any comment they deem "negative" to the McCanns.

So of course I thought I would give it a whirl, just to see what gives: (click on image to expand and note the time 15:14)

















I then went to boil an egg - runny side up - but sneaked back and refreshed the web page, oh, no more than two minutes later, and saw this:


















Goose no more!

Further proof, if any were needed, that The Mercury remains a mere dead-tree provincial fish-wrapper; a cankerous pile on the anus that is the Daily Mail and General Trust Group, and with an editorial policy which would have made Goebbels proud.

Enough to make me call the editor of the Mercury, Nick Carter, a c**t, except I have made a promise of no more swearing on the blog....

Well What Do You Know?

Now there's a fucking surprise.

The total cnuts even tried to sneak this one out under the radar of the ongoing McCann developments.

Bastards.

The Weekly Wizard - The Cardiologist And The Testicles

In homage to a Light in the Darkness, and The Daily Merlin:


Transcript
Weekly Wizard Insight (using the Creche of the Warner Tarot)
1st September 2007
14:33pm - 14:34pm
UK


'Wild guesswork and speculation around Kate & Gerry McCann using the significators The Cardiologist & The Testicles' ...

Almost incredibly unbelievably, the Ice Maiden and the 5 of Testicles have appeared in association with these significators. The Sol and The Fool have been closely associated with numerous insights over the previous months.

Another very, very inconceivably uncanny occurrence is the complete absence of any discernable number sequence from left to right, beginning with the Ice Maiden on the left and terminating with the furry accessory.

I have gleaned from this remarkable sequence that somewhere in this situation, a mystery of sorts remains unresolved....if I can only intuit what the mystery is, then I should have some realistic chance of solving it...

Something, or more likely, somebody has most definetely been out of order. Indeed the 14 of Vinos reversed indicates dulled senses as all of the bottles have been emptied...

The only other reversed card in the sequence is "The Cardiologist"; this suggests strongly to me that there is some connection between the empty wine vessels and the cardiologist, but I am getting no further insights now as to what this might mean...

What might be the significance of "The Patsy" here ... I have used the runes in collaboration with this reading, and the letters "RM" came through to me... though I am reluctant to pursue this aspect now as I am unable yet to fathom the significance of these letters...

Note the absence within this reading, of the card "The Nine of Tapas"; where this card has previously featured regularly in my readings, it is, on this occasion, absent...this suggests to me that the number 9 may, or may not be significant to events.

The presence in this reading of the "Furry Accessory" in conjunction with the "Five of Testicles" suggests that there is some relationship between the accessory and many testicles, though again I presently glimpse only shadows through the mist: I will however, divulge more in relation to this once sufficient light falls on the shadows.

Much on which to muse upon....

The almost absurdly inconceivably unbelievable conjunction of "The Cardiologist", The "Ice Maiden", the "Furry Accessory" and the "Testicles" leads me to believe that someone, somewhere, is suppressing the truth, though I suspect that the full significance of this may not come to light for some not inconsiderable period of time yet.

Below the middle line of 4 cards is the representation of the opposition to Gerry & Kate shown by "The Sol" and "The Fool".

The very presence of "The Fool" suggests to me that someone, somewhere is withholding information from the enquiry.... though I cannot now glean who that person, or those people might be...

Conversely, "The Sol" - which is in opposition to "The Fool" - may yet prove to be a credible source of information and valuable to the enquiry.


Next week: Beating alcoholism, with Paul Gascoigne.

Gooseburger Is Innocent

The BBC today report that many blogs have been subjected to malicious hacker activity:


"Google's Blogger site is being used by malicious hackers who are posting fake entries to some blogs.

The fake entries contain weblinks that lead to booby-trapped downloads that could....."


I am deeply relieved to have read that report, as it probably accounts for how this piece of mischievous nonsense recently appeared on the blog when I was out, er, mowing the lawn the other night.

(whistles, nervously)

Better Than Crazy Frog?

This will make people sit up on the train.

Undoubtedly cuter, and it does feature a rather catchy tune, but highly unsuitable for children, ladies and disgusted of Tunbridge Wells....

The Price Of Free Speech....

Just browsing the net when I was shocked to see this....

The Daily Express cover price is a mere 8 shillings! (that's 40 new pennies to you youngsters).

And to think that, for as long as I can remember, I have been shelling out 9 bob each day for the Daily Mail....

Looks like the circulation of the Daily Express is about to go up by one...

A Disgraceful Slur On A Minority

Mike Mendoza - Bigot


The talkSport radio phone-in host Mike Mendoza has been suspended for 7 days following an investigation by the regulatory body OFCOM, about a remark that he made on air in the context of David Beckham's appeal for information on abducted missing Madeleine McCann.

Introducing his phone-in programme on the day David Beckham appealed for Madeleine's safe return, the DJ said:

"The other thing that has really got up my nose over the last couple of days... are the footballers... and I'm including David Beckham on this one.....to beg whoever has grabbed her, to give her back.

"Now you tell me, paedophiles in general are the type of people that surely would not follow football... not many gay people to the best of my knowledge are great football fans."


In making this statement, Mendoza infers that paedophiles - presumably unlike "ordinary people" - will not only be uninterested in football, but also gay?

This is nothing short of shocking; Mendoza exhibits not only a profound ignorance, but exposes himself as the bigoted, intellectual dwarf that he is.

How dare Mendoza infer that footballers confine their anti-social and criminal conduct while off the pitch only to rape and thuggery?

British soccer - from its grass-roots, all the way to the pinnacle of the Premiership, has both a long and inglorious association with kiddy-fiddling.

While OFCOM released a long-winded press statement both criticizing Mendoza and upholding the numerous single complainants received by them, an anonymous source at the Paedophile Information Exchange was no less circumspect in slating the hapless radio host.

The spokesman said:

"The stigma attached to being called a nonce is bad enough, but for this four-eyed beardie-weirdo to start calling us poofs into the bargain, is a fucking disgrace.

It is not PIE's intention to dignify Mendoza's outrageous slur with any further comment."

Boom And Bust And How The Banks Fuck Us Over

It is Monday morning, and I therefore make no apologies whatsoever for a downbeat posting.

This brief post concerns the (entirely avoidable) and looming recession depression, and how it has been engineered by the banking elite.

It's not very complicated, and nor is it, in all honesty, difficult to understand.

1. Banks lend money that the banks do not own, to borrowers.
2. Heck, the banks lend out money that doesn't even fucking exist to borrowers.
3. They lend this non-existent money at low interest rates.
4. As more money is fed into the system, its value falls.
5. To counter the fall in the value of money, the price of both goods and services rise.
6. In order to afford the increased cost of living, people are forced to borrow more.
7. When the bankers see fit, they will hike up interest rates on all that borrowed "money".
8. The bankers will also then reduce the amount of money in circulation, by reducing the amount that they lend.
9. The prices of both goods and services will then fall.
10. The size of the outstanding loans on all that "funny money" does not fall, however.
11. Unable to service their loans and credit card bills, people are forced to turn over their property and assets to the banks.
12. The bankers will pull this same scam every 10 - 15 years.

It matters not one whit whether you bank with HSBC, Lloyds, Coutts or any bank overseas, because ultimately, all of these banks are owned by the same bunch of shifty, thieving demonic bastards.


Sadly, there is fuck all we can do about it.....

© Copyright probably infringed, with thanks to Stef Zucconi

Probably The Worst Journalist In The World....

Miss Anna Smith



Meet Anna Smith, intrepid reporter for The Sunday Mirror, and, according to popular rumour, one-time runner up in the King George VI sweepstakes at Ascot.

Miss Smith, in the face of stiff competition from the lite the trite, and the downright shite has published on the Sunday Mirror website, possibly the single most partisan and vomit inducing "news" item yet on those "poor McCann parents".

The brave and the foolhardy can see the item in full here: for those with a weaker constitution, I am presenting the lowlights only (oh that there was but a single redeeming highlight...)


Say a Praia for Maddy

FROM the moment Madeleine went missing, you got the impression the Portuguese police couldn't find their backsides in the dark.

Just look at that little police chief in the cheap suit who popped up at the first shambolic press conference. You just knew they were so far out of their depth it made your heart sink.


WTF, you arrant snobbish mare? That little police chief? You nail your flag to the mast from the outset, with your distaste for "little" people. As for your gibe regarding his "cheap" suit, I would lay my shirt it was ten times the price of your wig, you hideous fucking shemale.


Clueless. Completely clueless. From the time it took them to bring in sniffer dogs and block roads, right up to a few days ago, when suddenly blood was found on the apartment where the little girl was abducted as she slept.

It was nearly 100 days into the investigation, for God's sake. How come forensics or anyone else searching the apartment never found blood before?


Possibly because the blood in the apartment was not even present during the initial search? Perhaps the PJ did find it earlier, but chose not to divulge the information at the time? Who knows? I certainly don't and nor do you, you sour-faced witch. You seem to be great at posing impertinent fucking questions - that is of course the easy bit. Why do you not instead justify your no doubt bloated fees and expenses, and provide some answers instead?


It's bad enough that they don't know what they're doing. But what really sickens me is the way the police, the Portuguese press and others have turned on poor Gerry and Kate McCann.


"Poor Gerry and Kate McCann".... oh Christ on a bike, here we go....


It's disgusting. And from a country that has children and the family at the core of its society, it's even worse.


Such a shame then that the two good Doctors (who, by no stretch of the imagination, could ever be perceived as "little" people) considered having their own children at the core of their family. Let us though, overlook that "mistake".


I cannot imagine what every gut-wrenching day must feel like for the McCanns without Madeleine. Their last thought at night but must be about her and their first, as they open their eyes in the morning.

And yet we still have these Portuguese newspapers being drip-fed by police insiders trying to point the finger. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming the Portuguese police for not finding Madeleine.


Upset or jealous are you, Mr Miss Smith, that the Portuguese police are no longer offering tid-bits to the UK press?

And how thoroughly fucking gracious, not to say patronising of you, to not blame those little people in the Portuguese police, for not finding Madeleine.


But their turning on the McCanns stinks. It's all about the main agenda - the tourist trade.


No, no, no. It's about securing - against the odds - the safe return of a small girl, and the necessity of asking tough questions of all of those in the resort on the night she was abducted disappeared.

That includes asking tough questions of the McCanns. They may not be among those you perceive and label as "little" people; but both they and their dodgy friends who have reportedly formed some pact of silence, should have been (and, I suspect, were), the first port of call for the investigation, and never some "last-resort" line of enquiry.


This kidnapping has gone global, and they, and Portugal, are in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.


Pray, what kidnapping is this you refer to? There is zero evidence to support any allegation of abduction or kidnapping, with the exception of the statements provided by Mr and Mrs McCann.

I'll write that again. There is zero evidence to support any allegation of abduction or kidnapping. Full stop.


At the end of the day, nothing is more important than money.


May I stop you there? Did you read that on the back of a matchbox, or is the phrase "At the end of the day, nothing is more important than money" merely an example of your creative writing skills?**


I was talking to a wealthy Irish golfer the other day, who has a house in Praia de Luz. When he mentioned it was in the place Madeleine went missing, I expected him to be sympathetic to the family. But you know what he said? It's ruining the whole place for everyone.


Hmmmm. I rather think he could be right, Miss Smith...


It used to be a great place out there with the golf, he lamented, but now the missing girl is all everyone talks about. Unbelievable. But, sadly, that mindset is out there. And not just among people like him. I would bet the cops and the authorities will be glad to see the back of the McCanns.


Of course both the Portuguese police and the authorities there will be glad to see them leave the country, you dozy bint.

Ask not what Portugal have ever done for them (which is in fact, rather a lot), but what the fuck have these two whining feckless fools done for Portugal? Exactly nothing. Notwithstanding that, Miss Smith, there is a growing belief that the McCanns will not be leaving Portugal any time soon, anyway. Watch this space.


In fact they can't even wait until the heartbroken couple find the strength to go home without their precious little girl.


Jesus. They have found the strength between them to go to the USA, Morocco, Holland, Italy....


They know their insidious little leaked stories to the press will drive those poor parents out.


That word "little" again. And insidious? Christ, Smith, as a reporter (I believe you are a reporter, though there is a growing amount of evidence to suggest otherwise?) -
what makes a leak insidious? One man's insidious leak is another man's freedom of information. (Though I will acknowledge that you are not a man. Allegedly).



The article totters on for several more chapters in the same vacuous, bleeding-heart fashion. I would urge no one to read it in full, at all, ever.


**Yes, Miss Smith is not only an award winning reporter, but also an acclaimed novelist. I read it on the internet, so it must be true...her latest novel "The Homecoming" is available new here, priced at one penny.

Which is, frankly, still worth more than the piss-poor propoganda you provide in your role as a "reporter", Smith.

Team McCann And Their Tenuous Relationship With The Truth

Mike Hitchen exposes the cornerstone of Gerry and Kate McCann's get out of jail free card Campaign, "Madeleine's Fund: Leaving No Stone Unturned" for the lie that it is.


"A high profile, multi-media, global campaign that is based on lies and deceit. The campaign has made little or no attempt to find Madeleine. Donations from struggling parents, businesses and even emotionally blackmailed children, have been used for expenses never before associated with a search for a missing child".


Go ahead and read it all here - though suspicions remain that bigger lies are yet to be exposed....

Endgame McCann?

The Postman, who has an enviable record of being bang on the money, seems to think so....

Kate McCann On Woman's Hour

Click on the ♫ icon and then select the Woman's Hour link to listen....